Something you cant seem to get over
When I was 21, I felt a strong impression to go on a mission for the LDS church. Of all the decisions I have made in my life, that one will never be a regret. Some people must sacrifice a great deal to follow their beliefs, be that money, distance, or even their lives. At 21 I had not yet learned what it means to sacrifice.
I would come to know what sacrifice means through studying the life of Jesus Christ and his seemingly constant concern for others. I came to know that sacrifice meant giving up your self esteem because your calorie intake just skyrocketed. I met sacrifice on cobble stone streets where everything I believe was mocked, hated and laughed at. I came to see sacrifice in the hem line of the skirts my companion wore, because each skirt was lovingly paid for by hard hours in a cement factory. Every second of my mission filled me with a better understanding of what it means to think outside of yourself and I could not wait to come home and share that love and perfect vision that I had gained.
I felt that God has chosen me to be exactly where I was, each second of each day, to refine me to be the best version of myself. I could not wait to share my new wisdom with the person I loved most. Of all people, the one at home had to put up with the old selfish me the most. The one at home, deserved so much more but settled for me. He was my love at first sight, my hero and my best friend. And he loved me even though I had not yet learned what it means to sacrifice.
I loved to testify of love, of family, of the priesthood, because I felt that power from the one at home. I had seen his life change, and mine get better because of those principles. I thanked God for letting me live in northern Germany, become the best version of myself and come back home to a life I also loved.
And then it was November. I was 4 weeks into a transfer of painful silence. I had a companion who had a hard time loving me or most days even getting out of bed. Mail from home felt like the only conversation I had that whole transfer. Except for that mail.
The spirit has a way of warning us of things that could cause us harm. A part of my heart died with that letter, though I hope it never showed on my face, nor in my stride, nor my faith. There was no time to hurt when on the Lord's errand.
Love had changed, that I could accept. But my concept of myself has never been the same. The words hurt, but more than that they cut because they were true. They were all true. I was that terrible person scribbled in small, slanted print on the page. WAS.
But I had changed. But he will never know that.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Post #2: 10 things about you people don't really expect
1. My ultimate hero growing up was Karl Malone, #32 of the Utah Jazz. Best ball player ever (next to MJ). Not only did I admire him, but I thought for sure that I would either become him, or be adopted by him. Either way... Winning.
2. My parents own a preschool... but I really don't care for kids at all unless they my blood relatives or best friends children. Love of little kids is NOT genetic.
3. I got my first kiss at 18
4. I can name every country in Africa...in order. I believe there are 38.
5. My #1 goal in highschool was to manage the boys wrestling team. I got the job but chose other activities instead. I still wish I had done it.
6. I am a major fan of Jimmer Ferdette.
7. I prefer to walk on the right side of whoever I am with or I feel off balance. I dated someone who was deaf in his left ear and the habit stuck.
8. I cannot move the toes on my left foot independent of each other. They are basically paralyzed. I was born that way.
9. I can name almost any song and artist on the radio within the first 2 notes.
10. I will not support legislation that prohibits gay marriage until I can answer the question, "When did you decide you were heterosexual?"
2. My parents own a preschool... but I really don't care for kids at all unless they my blood relatives or best friends children. Love of little kids is NOT genetic.
3. I got my first kiss at 18
4. I can name every country in Africa...in order. I believe there are 38.
5. My #1 goal in highschool was to manage the boys wrestling team. I got the job but chose other activities instead. I still wish I had done it.
6. I am a major fan of Jimmer Ferdette.
7. I prefer to walk on the right side of whoever I am with or I feel off balance. I dated someone who was deaf in his left ear and the habit stuck.
8. I cannot move the toes on my left foot independent of each other. They are basically paralyzed. I was born that way.
9. I can name almost any song and artist on the radio within the first 2 notes.
10. I will not support legislation that prohibits gay marriage until I can answer the question, "When did you decide you were heterosexual?"
Monday, January 16, 2012
Challenge: A post a day
A friend of mine had a 30 day challenge with prompts to post each day. I realize that the month is half over...but I want to write, therefore I do. So, consider this post one for the next little while. I wont promise to post daily, but I will get through the 30 prompts....just watch.
Post #1: Things that make you scared
Everything.
Seriously. I have an abnormal amount of fear. If you know me, you know that this statement is sad but true. For example, on the Lady Bug Drop at Lagoon... its like a ten foot ride that drops you. It is intended for small children... I gripped the security belt like death and screamed the whole way down. Meanwhile, my niece who was 3 turned to me and said, "Hayley, it isnt scary, put your hands up, like me!" She then proceeded to chatter away and giggle with her arms in the air. Eventually she saw that I had not released my death grip and said, "Ok I will just hold your hand."
There is something very wrong with that picture. I am the adult, I comfort her. So besides my pathetic fear of rides or anything that moves for that matter, I will expound on one or 2 more.
Serious relationships with the potential to end in marriage.
Stress me out. It is not so much the relationship I fear, nor someone loving me for a very long time. I fear me and MY ability to truly say I am in this, for good, for bad, for ....Eternity. I wonder if it is possible to truly grow and change and do so together. I fear losing connection, intellectual stimulation... I fear. Yet, I love to be in said relationships. I take them seriously and have had nothing but consistently wonderful, long-term relationships since I was old enough to date. Yet I am not brave. Puzzle.
Big Dogs
I am not a very big girl, therefore large animals that easily weigh double my weight and are a foot taller than me on their hind legs... Ahhhhh! Once I get to know the dog then I am fine, but that first time....so freakin scared. Ironically my favorite dog is a Chocolate Lab....can anyone say... good luck? I know. I am in for a treat. This fear is logical... as well as familial....I grew up with 3 corss-eyed cats that feared humans, therefore my contact with animals was pretty much non-existant.
At the end of the day, I am not usually someone people call brave. But I like to think I am brave in my own way. I do not take counsel from my fears.
Some people fear love. I have loved, been loved and will continue to do so, knowing very well that I might end up the bad guy, or the one crying in the bathroom because he chose her, not me. I don't regret that.
Some people fear public speaking. I love my own voice. I think my opinions are valid, educated, witty, insightful, inspiring, carefree, intentional. Worthwhile. I hope to always have a voice to speak, the passion and tools to empower others to do so as well, and an open ear to hear those wanting to do the same.
Some people fear inadequacy. To them I steal the words of someone who said it better:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Post #1: Things that make you scared
Everything.
Seriously. I have an abnormal amount of fear. If you know me, you know that this statement is sad but true. For example, on the Lady Bug Drop at Lagoon... its like a ten foot ride that drops you. It is intended for small children... I gripped the security belt like death and screamed the whole way down. Meanwhile, my niece who was 3 turned to me and said, "Hayley, it isnt scary, put your hands up, like me!" She then proceeded to chatter away and giggle with her arms in the air. Eventually she saw that I had not released my death grip and said, "Ok I will just hold your hand."
There is something very wrong with that picture. I am the adult, I comfort her. So besides my pathetic fear of rides or anything that moves for that matter, I will expound on one or 2 more.
Serious relationships with the potential to end in marriage.
Stress me out. It is not so much the relationship I fear, nor someone loving me for a very long time. I fear me and MY ability to truly say I am in this, for good, for bad, for ....Eternity. I wonder if it is possible to truly grow and change and do so together. I fear losing connection, intellectual stimulation... I fear. Yet, I love to be in said relationships. I take them seriously and have had nothing but consistently wonderful, long-term relationships since I was old enough to date. Yet I am not brave. Puzzle.
Big Dogs
I am not a very big girl, therefore large animals that easily weigh double my weight and are a foot taller than me on their hind legs... Ahhhhh! Once I get to know the dog then I am fine, but that first time....so freakin scared. Ironically my favorite dog is a Chocolate Lab....can anyone say... good luck? I know. I am in for a treat. This fear is logical... as well as familial....I grew up with 3 corss-eyed cats that feared humans, therefore my contact with animals was pretty much non-existant.
At the end of the day, I am not usually someone people call brave. But I like to think I am brave in my own way. I do not take counsel from my fears.
Some people fear love. I have loved, been loved and will continue to do so, knowing very well that I might end up the bad guy, or the one crying in the bathroom because he chose her, not me. I don't regret that.
Some people fear public speaking. I love my own voice. I think my opinions are valid, educated, witty, insightful, inspiring, carefree, intentional. Worthwhile. I hope to always have a voice to speak, the passion and tools to empower others to do so as well, and an open ear to hear those wanting to do the same.
Some people fear inadequacy. To them I steal the words of someone who said it better:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
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