Every dream that I ever had, you're that and so much more

I had to work it out, I had to throw away my doubts, I'll be everything you need and every part of me is yours. Your love has set me free, this hearts free to be, everything you need. Everything I'll be. Your patient love, you gave you stuck, and now I'm ready.

Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans. One of my favorite statements and one of the most true. What is with people and making plans anyways? Life is unpredictable, people have agency, they will let you down or surprise you when you didnt think they would come through. Life is choices, thats it. Sometimes my choices break hearts while others set me free.

I expect that life will continue to place fork after ever lovin fork in the road and I will have to choose which way to go. I imagine that Frost and I discussed this poem at some point in my former life.. .

. The Road Not Taken


TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


So much of my life is changing in the next year and so much of me wants to come back to everything just as it is now, and yet more of me knows that life is change. Nothing will be the same as it is right now in this very moment. Hayley, you fear commitment he says, you will never settle. Maybe he is right. Maybe I fear less than perfect. Maybe I fear less than everything I have ever dreamed of. Dreams are never crimes.



I imagine that I have been in that very yellow wood that Frost knows so well. I've been there and I don't plan to ever leave. So far this path has been my friend. I've had moments where the sun drips like honey all around me, and other days where the path has been totally washed away and I had to guess which way to go. Other days, woods have been alive with familiar faces to keep me company, to ease the silence that weighs down on me, or to just listen as we walk down the path.

I'll come to a place in the road where it forks off in a dozen directions as far as the eye can see. A sign post at the edge of my trail catches my eye. A dozen arrows point every way, the destinations all the same : WHEREVER YOU WANT. As I contemplate the curious sign, I realize I am not alone in this clearing.

A man sits just at the base of the sign pole, head down peering between his knees.
"Excuse me," I say approaching the man timidly. He looks up startled to hear another voice, almost imediately his shock melts into a smile. He says nothing just laughs quietly to himself shaking his head. He stands and and wipes the dirt from his pants.
I want to ask why he is laughing but I know I don't need to.
"Took you long enough," He says cupping my face in his hands, "bout put my bum to sleep."
I open my mouth to protest and he cuts me off pointing a finger directly into my face, "But I knew that, didn't I."
" Have you been alone this whole time?" I ask peering into his still smiling face.
"Heaven's no little girl. It's been packed up until the last...... while."
"And you have just been sitting here since they all left?"
"Sitting? Never sitting. I was working, getting ready for you."
"What have you been working on?" I ask peering around the clearing expecting some project to appear out of the foliage along the trails.
" Same thing as everyone, I suppose."
"Which is....?" I prod when he fails to continue.
"Unimportant." He sees the look of confusion wrinkle my face.
"Everyone else had their someone. A million times they said, she's not coming, skip out with us." He laughs sitting back down on the ground and patting a spot beside him. I move and sit down, our legs resting side by side.
"But I knew better. I said, you don't know her like I do. She'll be here when she is ready."
"It was a very LONG walk." I smile pointing and flexing my toes feeling my muscles stretch.
He sits smiling at me for what seems like an hour.
"How did you know it was me you were waiting for?" I ask quietly.
"So where to now?" I ask peering around at the dozens various trail heads.
"I have my someone, so wherever we want."

Love List Numero Uno

So on Studio 5 ( the show I intern at) we have this little thing called love lists. Every month or so we come out with a list of things we love- obvious right? Here is my love list right now. I know this is useless info but sleep sounds so boring....

1. Parker Daniels. I just love him. He's basically amazing in every way. He is always prepared, always cheesy and always makes me happy.

2. Hadley Faith Brown. My Niece is 3.5 as of yesterday and could easily be a personified angel. Freak she is cute!!

3. Tropical Snow- their snowcones use the fine fine ice that melts on your tongue. Delicious!!

4. Shake It- the song by Metro Station

5. King Benjamin from the BOM. Talk about one studly example of a great leader. We can thank him for the reminder of "When ye are in the service of your fellow beings, ye are only in the service of your God."

6. Self check-out at the library. I go to the library like once a week. If anyone needs some good books I have a list.

7. My Oreo Bundt Cake recipe. Could give the Costco chocolate cake a run for its money. I will bake it for you if you want.

8. Dinner Group: My friends are just a joy to be around, even if they all sold out on me and married before 21..... but really. Those are my favorite nights.

9. Ben Blaker originals. I can't help it, I love his songs, the fact that a majority of them had something to do with me is besides the point.... but a nice detail. Pretty sure "You're beautiful, so beautiful...." is always in my head.

10. Aaron Echart. If you have seen Batman, No Reservations or Meet Bill, he is the studly blonde in all of those films. He stole Gotham's heart and mine.

11. The Dark Knight. Totally creepy, totally amazing. RIP Heath. I hope you get a lot of awards even if you are dead. "Why So Serious?" Despite the fact that Christian Bale seems to have gone through double puberty in this film, still loved it. Still think we should all stick it for Heath.

12. Jon Dalton cuz I got to see him last week!! FACE FOREVER!

I must learn patience....

I turned in my paper 9 days ago.....9.... and I still have yet to meet with the Stake president.... I am GOING INSANE! I just want to get out there! So much to do and so little time. I cant shake this sense of urgency that I have, its like if i dont go fast I will never go. Where is the faith in that? I know, I know, all in God's time but its proving hard to get on the same page.....
Another sign of God's sense for humor: today Parker tells me he is probably going to Utah State now. What?! I freak, you cant go to Utah State without me. Thats my school, my home and you choose to go NOW? Now that I am leaving! Talk about torture. So now the 2 people I love most will be in Cache Valley while I am off being amazingly spiritual. Not a bad trade I know, but still hard to chew.
This phase of life is proving just as interesting as my last chapter but I think I might fare better this time because I have some faith on my side. Man I love my religion. I love to talk about my religion. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints- is that beautiful or what? Even if you dont buy into my beliefs you have to admit its nice to think about-
- I believe I get to be with my family and friends FOREVER. Its not goodbye, just see you soon.
- I believe I have guidance from a prophet just for this day and age- someone who knows God even better than me
- I never have to feel alone because I believe I can talk to God whenever I want and he listens to me
- I feel happy and hopeful because of my beliefs
- I believe God has a plan for me. One I understand when I am listening for it.
-I believe when I die, I get to be with the ones I love and especially with God somewhere amazingly lovely!
- I believe bad things happen to good people. Those trials help us grow. There is purpose in everything.
- I am most happy when I remember and stand up for these beliefs

I want to serve for many reasons, here is just one: The Gospel makes me happy. I want others to be happy.

I am just one voice, but one voice can carry far.
He was just one voice, but one voice that changed the earth.
One but not alone, a thousand voices sing,
praises to on high, of our Master and our King.
With one voice.
One Voice.

On my mind....

I havent blogged for some time. I dont really have time as I am on break at work so I will talk fast.... I just miss hearing myself write....

Anywho, a few additions to the Summer Playlist 08:

1. I kissed a girl- the first time i heard this song I thought- this is the epitome of society at its downfall- alas I like the song although it is society failing.
2. Thanks for the Lemonade- who sings this song? No idea but love it!
3. Anything by the Director particularly "Alive."
4. Ryan Shupe's 1000 times- its an oldie but man... he's good
5. Paul Cardall's randition of I love to see the temple from his Primary Worship album

Next:
I am having a particularly awesome week. I worked alot, things are falling into place for my 2 segments for Studio 5. One airs on August 4, the other on August 28. I will let you know more later.

I went out with my home teacher this week. The fulfillment of an age old stereotype made this adventure all worth it. I loved it for that reason alone. It doesnt hurt that he is tall blue-eyed and entirely eccentric either.

Pretty fun week with the Blaker coming to town. It was awesome to have another Ben Blaker guitar session last night. What a talented kid. I missed POL more than ever as Ben played some of my favorite musical gems.

I realized just how amazing my friends really are. How lucky I am to have them and how bad I am going to miss them. We all leave for seperate parts of the world this summer and who knows when I will see them again, if ever. We are growing up. We may outgrow eachother but we also may learn to stretch and grow together. I will hold on to this hope for the time being and hope reality agrees.

Time is up at work. I get to see Ju this weekend for the first time in maybe 3 months and I cant wait!! Until later.

The Posse of Love

SO I just ended an amazing and exhausting week. My favorite boys in all the world all came to Utah in the same week. I knew Benjamin was coming but Josh and Ry had me convinced (and sad) that they would not be able to make it. Lo and behold tuesday evening Josh and Ry waltz into the shop and my heart stops--- literally I thought I almost died. I almost burst into sobs I was so happy and so mad at the same time. Nevertheless, they came, all of them for one magical week.

I dubbed this group of boys the Posse of Love because well.... I love them. We love eachother as only the best of friends can. Joshua G-Side, Ryan Christopher Cowles, Face- Jon Dalton and Benjamin Blaker are the best guys ever. Its pretty rare to be the only girl in a group of boys but I love it and I would never want it any other way.


What I love about the Posse of love:
1.
I am pretty much the only girl.... im spoiled
2.
These men practice chivalry on crack- they are almost too kind, too certain of their roles as men. They fight over the check, ben carries my purse. Its lovely.
3.
We are PDA champions. Its impossible to fight with eachother when we just hug it out. You need a hand to hold? They got ya. Someone to cuddle with? They will be there. I love their hugs. All of them.
4.
We can all be ourselves. We met in circumstances that have let us be 100% us from day one. That will never change. Ryan can yell in public places, Joshy can make all girls swoon, Benjamin can attempt to get the ladies with his "Im the Director" line, face can talk to total stranger for hours making us wait for him almost all the time.... who cares.... we still love eachother.
5.
They make me laugh. I cant go 20 minuets without laughing so hard im about to pee... sick but true. They are funny boys. Perverted at times, plain awkward at others. A hoot.
6.
They will be my friends forever. I know things will change when I or we all get married and go off into the world, this is particularly true for me as the only girl, but who cares. Today and now I have 4 of the best guy friends in the whole world. They know what true friendship is. They prove it to me everyday.

Face and G-side leave the country this month, Ben is back in Idaho and Ry and stranded in Colo....our lives are seperate and changing but will remain the same for one reason alone- we need eachother.

I love you guys. Thanks for making my life. No really.

Why I write

So we have a girl coming on Studio 5 next week named Lindsey. I found her blog and on it she talks about why she wanted to be a writer. I thought, man this blog sounds alot like my life. I get up and go to work at 2 jobs that I enjoy at times, but nothing has inspired me more than writing. At this important phase in my life I am struggling to find work that I have a true passion for; work that I would go to work for free for. Though I will never give up writing, I wish I could just get paid to blog in the real world.

Every passion has a spark that starts it, for me, writing began as soon as I was able to write. I remember sitting at Salt Lake Institute, always the last child at the table slowly writing my daily plans into a black and white steno notebook. I was the slowest, I could not spell and many of my letters were backwards. It was frustrating, but I wrote.
In my free time I would write my own stories alone and with my friends. In 2nd grade my friend Kate and I wrote a story about a boy who lived on Free Willey's the killer wales back in a bubble. It was a terribly creative plot for 2 small girls but it was our world and we loved it. Things came to life in stories, things I could not create otherwise.

I owe my writers fire to two teachers I had in my life: Ms. Kenner my 5th grade teacher. She had a write stories often. I liked using the National Geographic magazine pictures and making up the stories behind the images. I wrote one story "Gonna and the Salmon Ceremony" and it was the most ridiculous thing I have ever read, but I loved doing it. Kenner said I had a way with words, a real talent and to never stop writing. She gave me many opprotunities to write and helped improve my vocabulary to be a better writer.
The other teacher was Ms. Alsop my 7th grade english teacher. I wrote things in that class that she said were impressive and that I would one day be a famous writer. I believed her. I still believe her. She taught me about the short story, detail and character development. She moved my from regular english to honors. I felt I could do now what so many said I could not in the past.
I have dreamed of being a writer for over a dozen years now. Is that not amazing? If only to say you had a dream, an ambition, a purpose for so long?
What a beautiful thing, words. So much nothing that when put together just right becomes everything you could ever need or want. Words are it. They are all we have. They advance society, they slow it down, the move what could not otherwise be moved. They heal what is broken and they transcend time. Thats the key. Transcending everything. Writing has the ability to totally capture a person, a soul, a mind, a heart and yet be so outside of them, its not even them at all. Make sense? I doubt it.
It doesnt matter. These words are mine. They can mean somthing to you if you let them. If not, they are still mine. perfectly endlessly flawed.

Hayley's master mix summer 08

I am at work tonight having completed all of my tasks. Usually I blog with an idea in mind, tonight however, I am blank. Here's an idea, TOP SONGS I THINK ARE THE SHIZ SUMMER 08.

1. # 1 by Hello Goodbye.... I like where we are, when we drive in your car
2. The tension and the terror by the straylight run.... the possibilities
3. We werent Crazy by Josh Gracin
4. # 1,3,4 and 10 and RSRB's new album Last Man Standing
5. This Side by Nickel Creek
6. Around the Clock by the Rocket Summer
7. If you didnt love me by Phil Stacey
8. Love Dont Live Here anymore by Lady Antbellum
9. With you By Chris Brown
10 No Air by Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown
11. Apple bottom jeans
12. Jump On it.... bom bom bom bom bom.... Jump on it, jump on it!

This is pretty much my mix of the week. Things may change over the summer, but for now, this music is making me pretty dang happy. Most of these songs are not new, thats the amazing thing about music, it has application in your life at so many times. At least that is true for me. I'll add to the official HAYLEYS MASTER MIX as the summer progresses. Any suggestions, let me know!