And then my heart woke up...

Friends and whoever else finds themselves reading these words, here's a little moment from last week I wanted to share, it is long but worth it, I promise:

            Something amazing is happening and I could run around and dance because of it! In the past three days I have felt 3 emotions that I haven’t felt since… I don’t even remember.

I have felt

1. Like laughing. 2. Hopeful. 3. Grateful.

I literally cannot tell you the last time that I felt any of these emotions at all, let alone somewhat consistently ( as in, for 3 days) and can I tell you the absurd reason why?

A Blog.

I found a blog, read it and have been completely, 100% changed by it. I wish I could copy and past the whole beautiful blog for you and print and save every single line written therein, but I just cant.

Here is the link at least:

http://www.ablogaboutlove.com/

It is to Mara and Danny whom I owe my happiness over the past few days. Not because they themselves have changed my view, but because whatever they lived and the testimonies they have shared have brought the spirit to me in a way I needed to feel it most; To see the beauty and hope in and after moments of loss, isolation and abandonment.

Strangers, both recently divorced, Mormon. He in Boston, she in New York. They were introduced by a mutual friend and told to email eachother. That they did. Their emails during the 3 weeks before they met for real are what make up a good portion of the blog. They never talked on the phone or texted, they just wrote, exposed their souls in a beautiful and powerful way. In this way, they fell in love. Their souls recognized each other in a deep, non-physical, purely spirutual and . intellectual way… they have what I believe I have been hoping exits somewhere for me too. To be so in love with someone’s brain and spirit…knowing them perfectly without even knowing how it sounds when they laugh or how their hand feels in yours and still being completely fulfilled.

            They met on a corner in NYC, already sure of their love. They have been married 2 years. I love this blog. Not just because it is the most romantic thing I have seen, and a Mormon you’ve got mail…. But because of the depth of their exchanges, their honesty, their intellectual connections, their humor, and most of all their discussions on things of the spirit and its workings in their lives to help them face loss, inadequacy and seek happiness in all circumstances.

            I don’t know what has happened to me, but instead of feeling sorry for myself and my crappy relationship track record, I feel that maybe, just maybe there is someone else out in the world for me with whom I too can really fall in love with…in love with their brain and their soul, body being a perk, through which I can love them more, not most. I have to believe that that kind of connection exits in the world, and now I am only wondering what I can do to be sure that I am as awesome as Mara, a catch for when a brain/soul I could love comes by. That I will recognize him, and he me. 

            For the past few days I have had moments where I feel that it is ok that I have walked away from some really wonderful guys. I hate that selfish side of me and I have felt huge amounts of guilt for how my relationship track record has turned out and then I find people like Danny and Mara, who were pretty happy for many years with people they loved…but with whom a part of their souls did not resonate. And with each other, the deepest parts of their souls, who they really are on the deepest level was realized, recognized and reflected in the other person. Every day they get to keep feeling what I have felt the past 3 days,  laughter, hope, gratitude. Together.

And my understanding of the power of words has been enlightened. The silly things I share on my blog have the potential, without me planning on it, to make or break someone’s spirit. My words could be and should have always been a tool for good, not a platform to spread negativity and animosity. I want to be more like Mara and use my experience to bless someone else’s life because I choose a good attitude and sent those vibes out into the world.

Words are the means through which Danny and Mara fell in love, setting a chain reaction of more words that inspired the blog, which I was led to read, which have awakened parts of my heart that I have not felt in a very, very long time. How thankful I am to have words and a venue through which to share them. I hope that my words will be used more for good than anything else, though that has not been my focus for a very long time.

Let me share a few of my favorite snippets from Danny and Mara that I chose to hang on to:

Danny to Mara:

I admire your ability to see love songs and see them in the light of your future and not in the disappointments or sorrows of your past

( I have a major issue with music and feelings of lost or that certain artists are ruined for me because of painful memories. What a sad attitude to have given up James Taylor… He is not lost unless let him fill me with sorrow. The smiling faces of my future should own that song, not those of my past.)

Danny sharing his thoughts on Peace. I think I may need to copy and paste that whole post it was just that good and it changed my perspective on peace and how it works. Much like the Bednar enabling power of the atonement talk…changed my vision.

“To the point that we willfully abandon those negative emotions as we approach God, He cannot possibly withhold peace from us...primarily because He never was withholding it in the first place.  We just couldn't notice it, we weren't in tune with God”

“God doesn't take away our fears and doubts and anger, we must choose to give them up.   And in the process we make room for the peace we were after all along...the Peace that was already there.  “

“Peace is as close as we're ready for it to be.”

Boom! I love a good shout out to agency. This is why I dig LDS doctrine so much…it totally gets agency. Choice. Every second, every decision, every day. WE are the main deciding factor in our happiness, our success, our dreams. That understanding, mixed with a heaping of the spirit = life in its fullest. 

I have GOT to remember that.

...

Here is what I think about at 3 A.M.

I’m being replaced. This is not new, I’ve been here so many times it looks familiar. I know what I am supposed to do, to say, what not to say, I even know how much it is supposed to hurt. But what I always seem to forget, is how long it will hurt. Just a few more treasures to add to my ‘love more than anything but can barely stand to face on a good day’ list. Its James Taylor and IKEA all over again.

I was far, far away last time I got replaced and I remember thinking what a blessing that was. To be so far away, you can’t see what is happening, and you are far enough from the epicenter that the ripples have lost their impact once they hit you. That is how I survived. It was not until I was close again that I realized the repercussions don’t fade, they are just delayed, but you will feel every single one of them just the same. 2 years later and 5 times longer.

Maybe this time will be better. The south might protect me from the consequences of my choices, at least for a little while. But inevitably, my impeccable retention of all details will follow me wherever I go. I will still have a hard time with left hands, the smell of cherry chapstick, and Schnitzel. I don’t think time heals all wounds, we just relive them long enough that they become a part of our landscape, our identity.

And I don’t hate theses experiences, if they mean I am alive, that I have loved enough to feel the difference when things change. And to taste, perhaps for the first time in my life, deepest loneliness, though I am surrounded by people who care. I have a greater sense of empathy for those hearts that are hurting though their other dreams are still being realized.

This is just a little of what keeps me up at night.