Lessons on love Part 1

I have a tendency to see the bad in the world. At least in my immediate world. When I get like this, I want to punch myself in the face and say, "Don't you see all the good going on? Do you not know how lucky you are?!" It is in these moments that I need to sit back and think of all the good things going on, the moments in life where I wasnt so frustrated and I saw with more perfect vision, and felt with a more tender heart.

Let me share a few moments in my life that have taught me powerful lessons, mostly about love.

When I think of love, here is a list of what comes to mind:
Chapstick, Paisley, Ski poles, throw-up.

I'll go in chronological order.

Ski Poles:

The first time I fell in love (that I count as real love, first true, cognitively appropriate love) I was 14 years old. I had glasses and a gap in my teeth. I had a thing for country music, trampolines and snowcones. Some people wonder what happened to their first love, if they grew up to be anything like the flawless person you saw that first day at the snow cone stand. My first love's wife reads this blog, so it is to her that I address this post. At 14, I was blessed with a great friend, my best for many years to follow. Here is one snippet of my life that taught me about love:

He is a great athlete, at the time an avid skiier. He wore a bright yellow coat that was easy to see in a blizzard. I loved that. I was a beginner snowboarder and I was not talented in any way, which meant I fell ALOT. We skiied at the Canyons or Park City that year, both of which have areas that are very flat. Not only did Mr. Yates ski at a third his normal pace, just so we could ski "together," but every single time I fell, he did not laugh or lose patience. Instead, he walked slowly back to where I had fallen, extended his ski pole and pulled me the rest of the way to a steep spot. That was a lesson in true love.

Chap Stick:

I don't have an adorable anecdote for this memory and love, however I cannot seperate the scent of Cherry Chap Stick and love in my mind. The first kiss I ever had was laced with that scent... however that was not love for me. I loved the keeper of the chapstick and the way he removed the lid and applied the balm with one hand. Try as I may, I could never do that. Sometimes I still try to, and cannot. It was nothing special, and my heart was obsessed. I love that smell still, makes me feel 17 all over again.

Throw up:

Sound sick huh? Well, it's not, in fact it is the most beautiful moment I have been blessed to witness, a turning point in my life.

I have a best, best, best friend, Whitney. My right hand and love of my life since before anyone even knew who Blake Shelton or Harry Potter were. When we were 17 Whit got a boyfriend that I was not a fan of. I was not sure if he could speak and based on his dress and taste in music, I questioned if he knew he was white at all.

And then Whit got the flu. In sickness and in health, I was doing my duty to come sit outside the bathroom and keep her company and maybe take her mind off of things. I walked in without knocking like I always do, called for Whit but no one answered. I went downstairs. There before me was my Whitta, leaning over the toilet, sick as can be. Behind her, holding back her hair, stood Jordan. In that moment somthing said to my mind and heart, this is true love, your Whitta will be fine. In that moment Jord did what I would have done, and he looked at her like I look at her. They have 7 wonderful years under the belt and 3 beautiful babies (almost). That is love.

That leads me seamlessly to my last thought,

Paisley:

Paisley Belle is one of those 3 beautiful little girls I mentioned above.
I had been in the MTC 2 weeks when Whit wrote to tell me this little baby was joining their family. I was so happy, and yet a part of me hurt to be missing the first baby of my very best friend. Several babies were born while I was in Germany and each of them were terrified of me when I got home. But not Pais. She was instantly my best friend and love of my life. I thought I could never love a soul as much as I love her mama, but my goodness I was wrong. I cannot fathom the love I will feel for my own babies, because when I think of my Pais, my goodness I would die for her a billion times over. There is a strange bond between us, I do not know why, but I am so thankful for that little girl. I wish I spent more time with her, and I cannot wait until she grows up and finds her own best friend. I look forward to telling her funny stories about her mom, and teaching her what a best friend looks like.

I had a bad day a few weeks ago. I didnt get into a graduate program that I wanted so badly. Moments after I got the news my phone rang, on the other end I heard this, " Hello?.... Hi Hayley....I love you....". It was Pais. Her brilliant and always in-tune mother knew exactly the one thing that would instantly heal my broken heart. My eyes filled with tears and do so now just writing this. Things will not always go my way, dreams may not be realized, but I will always have that angelic voice in my head and those little arms to wrap around my neck. That is love.

Somthing that never fails to make you HaPpY

Happiness is a fascinating concept to me. In the last 2 years of my life it has also been the most complicated of emotions. In my earlier years I believe I may have been the happiest person in the world...not a cloud in my robin-egg sky. And then I got old, I got frustrated and I believe I had my first few teaspoons of sorrow. Theses moments were gifts, however trying moments spent in the Gethsemane's of my life. I see and feel sadness more regularly than ever before, but I am thankful for the many, (not one or a few) things that never cease to remind of the good in even the darkest moments of life.

A few recent and not-so-recent JOYS

- Remembering the first moment I saw Simi, the missionary I trained on my mission. When God's will for you and your own agenda are on the same page, miracles happen. Simi is my miracle. My soul recognized my dear friend and my soul will never, ever forget how it felt to hold her in my arms. My angel.

- A weekend I had with the Posse of Love (see previous blogs for their story). One summer my 4 favorite boys came to town and shared their lives with me. Distance does something powerful to my heart, and embracing my long-lost boys is heavenly. I can't drive past a Jason's Deli without my heart wishing Ry would materialize out of the walls and hold me.

- Allie-Bug (she is my niece, age 2.5) running, talking, laughing, smiling, scolding, praying (in which she names every member of the family and the 3 pets and says ahmen), hugging and just being. She is a ball of stubborn, petit cuteness that I cant get enough of. I love nothing more then coming home to my girls and just hugging them, brushing teeth with them and telling them how much I love them.

- A good conversation. I have always loved a good chat, but this is the first time in my life that I have really physically craved a valuable talking partner. I love to talk to a good friend, or a stranger who captivates me because they are fascinating or faithful, perhaps they are eccentric or simply curious to know what makes my heart thrive. I love a genuinely interested person. I hope I am someone like that.

- The Aim and Ignite album by Fun. there is something about this band that just puts me in a good mood. This is my default pick-me-up album, every single time.







- Slurpees. Seriously. What would I do without them? I wouldn't, that's what.

- A full gas tank. I'm not joking. Even if I just filled my tank up 2 days ago and am frustrated at the price of gas, seeing my tank on that lovely F...man. I feel like I could go anywhere, do anything even for just that moment. Full tank = endless opportunity!

- You've Got Mail. Meg. Tom. Nora Ephron dialouge. Cardigans. Books. Fall. ARE YOU ONLINE? Best 90 minutes of my life. This time. Every Time.

I could go on and on but I need to be up in about 7 hours, and I am old, like I said. I sleep 8 hours and I don't care who knows it. Add some of your JOY to my list. I'd love it.